Come again?

I was feeling really 'off' just now and I should probably head to bed since I'm feeling a little better.

But I just needed to remind myself about something. Yes, in the middle of the night. I choose to think that sacrificing a few hours of sleep for a better mental state is worth it.

 I was reading Siqi's blog and it made me feel better. Funny how I always need others to comfort me, not independent at all :/ 

Anyway, the pictures above are of my family (except momsy). Forgotten if I've uploaded these pix before but it doesn't matter. Something I read from her blog went like this "No one in my life is irreplaceable, except family". And I thought, how true. 

It's probably because I'm lacking the attention I want from my family that's why I feel that friendships are the most important to me. I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm really tired. I know I always say that I'm tired, I give up but I end up caring more than ever. Well because that's just me. But now it's getting to me mentally. (literal example)It's like being shot in the head, and when the wound is closing, another bullet goes through. Instead of wasting time trying to salvage friendships with friends who won't guarantee be there for life, why not work on relationships with people who will and HAVE to be there in your life. Right? Like family.

Since this year, every time I step into my grandma's house and smell the aroma coming from the kitchen, it's like a part of me just automatically loosens up. I feel safe and completely myself.

It's not that I'm not when I'm outside, it's just that there's no barrier, nothing at all. You don't have to care about what anyone thinks or how they'll feel. I've wasted so much energy being self-consious and afraid of people judging me. But at the end of the day, who really cares?

To be honest, right now as I'm typing, thoughts and scenes keep playing through my mind. Of how someone/some people will be judging me by the way I think, the way talk, what I've become. It really does suck because most of the time I'll just end up deleting or backspacing whatever I've written. Yes, this is a problem that I'm facing right now. Weird and crazy thinking. Things and people have proven that you can't trust anyone but yourself. But I'm trying, I wish it was easy.

He's changed, she's changed, you've changed, I've changed. I don't care anymore.

Whether they mature or not is none of my business at all. Who they want to make friends with, what they want to do, who they choose to be close with, it's their life let them do whatever they want with it. Who am I to say anything or have even the slightest bit of control. Friends come and go. I need to be independent. I used to rely a lot on my secondary school friends a lot. Whenever I feel stressed about poly work I'll turn to them. But now I guess you just turn to whoever's closer to you, whom you can talk face to face. Or sometimes just bottle everything up until you explode, and then let things slowly accumulate again. I always think that the problem is me, I'm not good enough, I've issues and that's why people leave me for something or someone better. But now all I need to know is that I'm trying my best and that sometimes people don't deserve more than what I can give.

As superwoman E said, "Friends are important, but they're not everything." 

I love my family, my grandparents, my parents, my sister, my cousins and my boyfriend.

I just need to learn how to express it better and not let frustration get the better of me.

Family should always come first because at the end of the day, they're the ones who're there. 

NTS: Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Or simply just don't listen nor speak if it's unnecessary. In fact nowadays, many things in life are unnecessary. 

Friends in my life now, thank you and enjoy your stay :)♥

 -

OH no. Spent an hour and 1/2 on this when I could've done work,

but I guess just a night of break isn't too much to ask for.

Sleeping with my windows closed to keep the sound of thunder away.

goodnight~