#3 Dear past me,
You seem so distant from the person I am now. You were chubby with a fat face and a big nose.
A part of me misses you because you seem so healthy and hardly ever fell sick back then. You just eat whatever you like without even feeling a tinge of guilt and the word 'exercise' never appeared in your dictionary. You were bitchier and meaner but you were happier because you never gave a shit about how anyone else feels or think about you. You were loud and people could hear your laughter at the school canteen. They even thought you were a carefree person who didn't have any problems.
You seemed so confident about yourself like nothing could bring you down. You hardly took things to heart. It was either you had a higher tolerance level back then or you just couldn't be bothered with anyone's nonsense.
I especially missed you during secondary three when you wore braces. The reason wasn't because you thought your teeth were ugly (it was mom), but simply because you saw some of your friends having braces on and you thought it was cool. Okay maybe after putting braces you do in fact look better but who knew you had to pay 2.5k yourself to look pretty?
You were lucky to be able to see your favourite friends every day at school, eat with them, bitch with them, have after-school adventures with them and mug for O levels with them. If only you treasured those times a little more you probably won't be missing them that much now and occasionally living in the past.
Even though I miss you, I'm honestly glad that a huge part of me grew out of you. I extremely dislike the way you used to talk, especially in your blog. I was looking at posts dated back from 2008 to 2010 and you sounded like a completely spoilt, depressed and pathetic little child who lacked of love.You were stupid because you never completely trusted God even though you said you did. You wasted those times getting all 'emo' over stupid boys who broke your heart and were one of those foolish little girls who believed in 'forever'. You've gotten into a relationship too quickly and I bet that if you didn't, you wouldn't have such terrible mood swings that managed to drive your friends away every time you have your random bitchfits. You would even walk away from your friend when she talks to you and you were sharp with your words. You were soooooo lazy and also irresponsible when it comes to your studies. You could even eat chips and have a mini picnic at the back of the class during Amaths lesson and even talk back to the teacher. I remember when you used to nap in class, mumbled in your sleep and fell off your chair. You probably thought you were all that but you were a joke and thinking back makes me laugh.
Oh well.
Then poly years came and you toned down a lot... You became quiet and you often felt inferior. You lack of confidence because everyone else seemed smarter and more capable than you. You felt that nobody needed you but you needed them. You thought you couldn't fit in anywhere. Why the sudden change? You will just go straight home right after school and you never bothered socializing because home was where you sought comfort from. You became all weird, not depressed, but weird. You needed to text your secondary school friends every day and if anytime possible see them on webcam. Slowly you then started enjoying moments of solitude and became brave enough to eat and study on your own. Yes, you made friends but some of them just conveniently leave and disappoint you at the end of the day. You didn't tell them because why would you, if you mattered they wouldn't have left in the first place. And then you met a group of friends who accepted you for you were. They encouraged you, believed in you and taught you things that make you into a better person.
Well at the end of the day...
Thank you want for being the way you were, because if not for the temperamental, insecure, irritating and childish you, I wouldn't have grown into the person I am today. Even though I'm obviously far from perfect, I still have a big nose and inevitably make mistakes along the way, I'm honestly proud to say that I've grown and a learned a lot. Although I do hope that the confident part of you and those loud and sincere laughters will come back :)
Thank you to people who helped me pick myself up and being there for me when I felt like a mess.
Grateful.
P/s I also toned down as a fangirl because you know... I'm not gonna be a teen anymore. Gross.
-
Phew sorry this took so long.
Congrats if you made it here!
You seemed so confident about yourself like nothing could bring you down. You hardly took things to heart. It was either you had a higher tolerance level back then or you just couldn't be bothered with anyone's nonsense.
I especially missed you during secondary three when you wore braces. The reason wasn't because you thought your teeth were ugly (it was mom), but simply because you saw some of your friends having braces on and you thought it was cool. Okay maybe after putting braces you do in fact look better but who knew you had to pay 2.5k yourself to look pretty?
Even though I miss you, I'm honestly glad that a huge part of me grew out of you. I extremely dislike the way you used to talk, especially in your blog. I was looking at posts dated back from 2008 to 2010 and you sounded like a completely spoilt, depressed and pathetic little child who lacked of love.You were stupid because you never completely trusted God even though you said you did. You wasted those times getting all 'emo' over stupid boys who broke your heart and were one of those foolish little girls who believed in 'forever'. You've gotten into a relationship too quickly and I bet that if you didn't, you wouldn't have such terrible mood swings that managed to drive your friends away every time you have your random bitchfits. You would even walk away from your friend when she talks to you and you were sharp with your words. You were soooooo lazy and also irresponsible when it comes to your studies. You could even eat chips and have a mini picnic at the back of the class during Amaths lesson and even talk back to the teacher. I remember when you used to nap in class, mumbled in your sleep and fell off your chair. You probably thought you were all that but you were a joke and thinking back makes me laugh.
Oh well.
Then poly years came and you toned down a lot... You became quiet and you often felt inferior. You lack of confidence because everyone else seemed smarter and more capable than you. You felt that nobody needed you but you needed them. You thought you couldn't fit in anywhere. Why the sudden change? You will just go straight home right after school and you never bothered socializing because home was where you sought comfort from. You became all weird, not depressed, but weird. You needed to text your secondary school friends every day and if anytime possible see them on webcam. Slowly you then started enjoying moments of solitude and became brave enough to eat and study on your own. Yes, you made friends but some of them just conveniently leave and disappoint you at the end of the day. You didn't tell them because why would you, if you mattered they wouldn't have left in the first place. And then you met a group of friends who accepted you for you were. They encouraged you, believed in you and taught you things that make you into a better person.
Thank you want for being the way you were, because if not for the temperamental, insecure, irritating and childish you, I wouldn't have grown into the person I am today. Even though I'm obviously far from perfect, I still have a big nose and inevitably make mistakes along the way, I'm honestly proud to say that I've grown and a learned a lot. Although I do hope that the confident part of you and those loud and sincere laughters will come back :)
Thank you to people who helped me pick myself up and being there for me when I felt like a mess.
Grateful.
P/s I also toned down as a fangirl because you know... I'm not gonna be a teen anymore. Gross.
-
Phew sorry this took so long.
Congrats if you made it here!
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